This can lead to intense shock and trauma, often accompanied by confusion and many difficult questions. For some, it may be their first encounter with death, making it even harder to comprehend. In some cases, they may have lost a family member, turning their world upside down in ways that ripple through their development and continue to shape their lives as they grow.
Tamariki and rangatahi experience grief in their own ways, which are often quite different from adults. Their age, personality, life experiences, whānau environment, and connection to the person who died all shape how they respond.
Sometimes, tamariki and rangatahi may seem unaffected – they may still be playing, laughing, or carrying on with their usual routines. This doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. It simply means they process grief differently. They tend to feel things in short, intense bursts, followed by a return to familiar activities that help them feel safe.
Just like for adults, grief is not a one-time event for young people. It’s an ongoing journey that can resurface as they grow, reach new milestones, or begin to understand more about what’s happened. Even if they seemed to cope well at first, they may need support again later.
Some children and young people may experience very strong emotions, including sadness, confusion, anger, or guilt. Others may struggle to find the words. Exposure to suicide at a young age may also influence how they understand pain and coping later in life. Some may even have thoughts of suicide themselves, especially if they don’t feel supported or understood.
That’s why it’s so important to offer them ongoing care, reassurance, and safe spaces to kōrero/talk. Keep checking in regularly. Let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling. And if it feels right, help them connect with a counsellor, therapist, kuia or kaumātua, or other trusted support person outside the whānau. Compassionate, culturally appropriate postvention support, such as Aoake te Rā, is vital to help them navigate this loss safely.
If a young person has witnessed or discovered a suicide, you can find specific guidance here.
Supporting tamariki and rangatahi returning to kura/school
When a tamariki or rangatahi returns to kura/school after losing someone close to suicide, it’s important that they feel safe, supported, and understood. They may be struggling to focus, stay motivated, or wonder what’s the point of going to kura/school anymore. Letting the kura/school know what has happened, in a way that feels right for you, allows teachers and staff to be sensitive to your child’s needs. You might choose to share only that there has been a sudden death, or that it is suspected suicide.
It might be helpful to have a kōrero/talk with the staff about how your child would like others to respond, and whether they want space, support, or someone trusted to check in. Kura/schools can also offer practical accommodations: like time-out when emotions rise (for example, they could quietly read or draw) or access to support from a kura/school counsellor.