Understanding suicide

When someone dies by suspected suicide, it often leaves behind many painful questions, some of which may never have clear answers.

It’s natural to want to understand exactly what happened and why. This is part of how we try to make sense of such a deep and sudden loss. Sometimes there may have been signs, like the person talking about wanting to die, or showing changes in mood or behaviour. Other times, there may have been no obvious signs at all. You might find yourself going over things, wondering what you missed. Please know this is common, and it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.

Suicide is deeply complex. It’s rarely caused by one single thing. Contributing factors include a mix of social, cultural, biological, psychological, and environmental factors. Mental distress and mental illness can also play a role. People who die by suicide are often trying to escape overwhelming mamae/pain – emotional pain that can be as intense and real as physical pain. They may not have wanted to die, but rather, were trying to end the pain they were experiencing. These factors can prevent the person from reaching out or accessing the support that’s around them. If you’re looking to understand more, you may find it helpful to read trusted, evidence-based resources.

Many people bereaved by suicide have found comfort in learning from research and personal stories. You’ll find some recommended reading below:

Why people die by suicide by Thomas E. Joiner
Myths about suicide by Thomas E. Joiner
Chase the Rainbow by Poorna Bell
After Suicide: Help for the Bereaved by Dr Sheila Clark
After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief by Bob Baugher and Jack Jordan.
It’s OK That You’re Not OK  by Megan Devine.
Why Suicide? Questions and Answers about Suicide, Suicide Prevention, and Coping with the Suicide of Someone You Know by Eric Marcus
When it is darkest: Why people die by suicide and what we can do to prevent it by Rory O'Connor.

Understanding and challenging suicide myths

Myth: People who are suicidal want to die.

Fact: In most cases people do not die of suicide because they don't want to live – people die by suicide because they want to end the pain they’re experiencing. They just want the situation they're in or the way they’re feeling to stop.

Myth: People who take their own life are selfish and take the easy way out.

Fact: People who die by suicide often experience intense emotional or sometimes physical pain. Suicide is not a ‘choice’, but rather a response to this overwhelming pain, and the cognitive distortion accompanying it. They may want to end their suffering, or may feel like a burden to others, and can see no way to stop the pain.

Myth: Suicide is a crime or a sin.

Fact: Suicide is a public health issue, and not a crime or a sin. These perceptions can increase stigma and shame for those affected and might prevent them from seeking help and support. For this reason, it’s best to avoid the term ‘committed suicide’ and say ‘die by suicide’ instead (commit is a word used in relation to a crime or a sin).

Myth: Suicide happens because of one thing.

Fact: Suicide is deeply complex. It’s rarely caused by one single thing. Contributing factors include a mix of social, cultural, biological, psychological, and environmental factors. Mental distress and mental illness can also play a role.

Myth: Suicide only affects individuals with experience of mental distress or illness.

Fact: While people who have experience of mental distress or illness can have a higher risk of suicide, people from all backgrounds can feel suicidal. Many individuals with experience of mental distress or illness are not affected by suicidal thoughts and not all people who attempt or die by suicide have experience of mental distress or illness. People who are thinking of suicide may display signs of depression and/or anxiety, but not always.

Myth: People who die by suicide always leave a note.

Fact: A suicide message can be a written note, a social media post, an audio message or video. Many people who die by suicide do not leave a message. It's estimated that only 25 – 30 % of suicides are accompanied by a note.

Myth: Talking about suicide causes it to happen.

Fact: Talking about suicide cannot cause it or put the thought into someone's head. Instead, talking about suicide safely, in a compassionate and non-judgemental way, can provide understanding and opportunities to connect with support and resources.

It’s okay to talk about suicide and to grieve the person you have lost openly. It's okay to speak their name, honour their memory, and ask for support.

After a suicide