Whether you knew the person or not, this kind of experience can stay with you in powerful ways: emotionally, mentally and physically.
Some things you might experience include:
- Shock or numbness
- Sadness, despair or emptiness
- Guilt, anger or fear
- Curiosity or confusion
- Poor concentration or memory
- A sense that time has slowed down, or sped up
- Trauma
- Feeling constantly on edge or jumpy (hyper-vigilance)
- Difficulty restoring to daily routines
- Flashbacks – vivid memories or sensations that bring the scene back, sometimes with sounds, smells or physical feelings
- Unwanted or intrusive thoughts
- Physical symptoms like tiredness, nausea, or trouble eating or sleeping
- Strained relationships, or others not understanding your needs
- Avoiding the location of death, or reminders of the location and what happened.
These are common reactions and emotions to an experience nobody should ever have to go through. Some people find they carry them for a long time; others find they come and go. Please know, there is no right or wrong way to feel.
Whatever you’re experiencing, try to remember that help and support are available. Processing these reactions and emotions takes time, but you don’t have to walk through it on your own. Consider talking to your GP, a kuia or kaumātua, a counsellor, or Aoake te Rā (the free specialist suicide bereavement service).
When a child or young person witnesses or discovers a suicide
Experiencing or witnessing a suicide is deeply distressing at any age, but for tamariki/children and rangatahi/young people, it can be especially confusing and frightening. Grief and trauma affect everyone differently, and our young ones may struggle to find words to describe how they’re feeling.
Tamariki and rangatahi may show signs of trauma in many ways – by experiencing nightmares, flashbacks or having difficulty sleeping, or through physical complaints such as stomach aches and headaches. Sometimes, certain places, smells, sounds, or objects may trigger distressing memories of the person or the way they died.
Even treasured memories can bring pain. A happy moment recalled might suddenly shift into an upsetting image or emotion linked to their loss. Some children may try to avoid thinking or talking about the person who has died, especially if these memories are tangled with confusion or fear.
At times like this, the steady support of caring adults is incredibly important. Children need reassurance that they are safe, loved and not alone in their grief. Validate whatever emotions your young person is experiencing. Your presence and patience can help them feel held in their mamae/pain.
If your tamariki or rangatahi continues to withdraw or shows ongoing distress over a few months, it might be time to seek extra support. Watch for signs such as:
- Refusing to go to kura/school
- Blaming themselves
- Significant changes in sleep patterns
- Loss of appetite
- Becoming more irritable or easily upset.
Caring for a grieving child or young person can be a heavy responsibility, especially when you're grieving, too. You don’t have to do this alone. Here are some free support options you may find useful:
- Huarahi Ora can guide you to services in your area.
- Aoake te Rā provides a suicide bereavement therapeutic response and may offer support tailored to your needs.
- You may also wish to let your child’s kura/school know what has happened. Teachers and staff may be able to provide extra support and understanding during this time.