Telling tamariki/children and rangatahi/young people

Every child or young person will react differently when someone they know has died by suicide.

Telling a tamariki/child or rangatahi/young person that someone they care about has died by suspected suicide is very hard to do. You might worry about finding the right kupu/words, or how they’ll react. Just remember: your presence, honesty, and aroha matter more than having all the answers.

Every tamariki and rangatahi will respond differently. Their age, level of understanding, and emotions will shape how they take in the news. You may need to gently repeat aspects of what happened over time. What matters most is giving them a safe, open space to ask, kōrero/talk, cry, or sit quietly if that’s what they need.

It’s important that they hear the news from someone they trust, early on, so they don’t learn about it through rumours or in ways that could feel frightening or confusing.

Here are some ways to support them:

Take a moment to steady yourself first. You don’t have to be perfect. A calm tone helps our young ones feel more secure.
Use simple, clear, and honest words. Avoid sharing specific details about how the person died.
Gently explain what ‘suicide’ means, if they’ve never heard the word before. You could say that the person was so sad, they decided to make their tinana/body stop working. You may also need to explain what ‘death’ means. Check if they understand.
Reassure them, again and again if needed, that it’s not their fault. Suicide is never caused by just one thing, and never by something a child or young person did or didn’t do.
Listen without rushing. Let them talk about their feelings or ask questions – even the hard ones. You don’t need to have all the answers.
If a question can’t be answered, it’s okay to say so. Let them know that wondering is normal, and that it’s safe to keep asking questions over time.
Expect that questions may come up weeks, months or even years later. Be ready to listen again when they do.
Above all, remind them they are deeply loved, and that they are safe. Feeling connected and cared for makes a big difference in their grieving.

If a child or young person has witnessed or discovered a suicide, head here for guidance.

Checklist

Here’s a checklist you can use when preparing to tell a tamariki/child or rangatahi/young person that a person has died by suspected suicide.

Before you talk

☐ Take a moment to steady yourself

☐ Remember that you don’t need to be perfect

☐ Choose a calm, quiet setting where they feel safe

☐ Try to tell them early, before they hear it from others

When you talk

☐ Use simple, clear, age-appropriate words

☐ Be honest, but avoid graphic or upsetting details

☐ Gently explain what ‘suicide’ means, if needed

☐ Invite their questions, and check they understand what you’ve shared

☐ Reassure them that it is not their fault

☐ Speak with a calm, steady tone

☐ It’s okay to say “I don’t know” if you can’t answer a question

After you talk

☐ Allow space for kōrero/talking, but also silence

☐ Let them know all feelings are okay – including anger, sadness or confusion

☐ Be patient. You don’t need to fix everything right now

☐ Reassure them it’s safe to keep asking questions, even weeks or years later

☐ Check in regularly – grief can return at different times

Ongoing support

☐ Remind them they are loved, safe and not alone

☐ Keep normal routines where possible

☐ Reach out for professional support if needed

☐ Keep looking after yourself, too

After a suicide