You may experience psychological shock alongside a mix of complex, intense emotions. These are grief reactions, and some of them are unique to a death by suicide. They can affect your taha wairua/spiritual wellbeing, taha hinengaro/mental and emotional wellbeing, taha tinana/physical wellbeing, and taha whānau/family and social wellbeing. 

Your reaction doesn’t depend on how close you were to the person. We all respond differently to such difficult experiences, and there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve. You may have suffered the trauma of finding the person or having to identify them. Please try to be gentle, understanding and patient with yourself right now. 

You might experience things like: 

• Shock, numbness or disbelief 
• Pouri/sadness 
• Guilt (“If only...,” “I should have...,” ) 
• Fear, anxiety 
• Whakamā/shame 
• Anger, blame or frustration 
• Isolation 
• Confusion or unanswered questions (“Why?”, “What if?”) 
• Wanting to talk a lot, or not wanting to talk at all 
• Crying often, or not crying at all 
• Feeling sick, shaky, tired or tense 
• Difficulty sleeping or eating 
• Vivid dreams, mental images, feeling the person’s presence in the home, or a sense they’re still near 
• Forgetting things about the person who died (even their voice or laugh), which can feel painful 
• Lack of focus, losing tracking of what’s just been said, or what’s happening next 
• A sense that time is moving strangely, or not at all. 

All of these are normal grief reactions after a suspected suicide. But that doesn’t make it easy. Having someone around to support you, help with small tasks, take a phone call, or even just sit with you, can make a big difference. 

If people ask how you’re feeling and you don’t know how to answer, that’s okay too.  

“People would ask me how I was doing. There was too much going on, so I couldn't put it into words. If I really told them, it would be overwhelming for them and me. I finally figured out the best way for me to answer. I would simply reply ‘as expected.’” — Anonymous 

If you’re not sure who you can talk with, free helplines like 1737, Lifeline, Youthline or Samaritans are there to listen. For more information on finding support and someone to kōrero/talk with, see Find support - Tautoko.